The Broken Road

Facing The Giants in life and the movie

{ January 24, 2008 @ 9:17 pm } · { Blogroll, church, faith, family, home, infertility }
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This past fall, my church hosted a community outreach night where we held a showing of the film Facing the Giants. Many children and grownups attended and I came out as well. I had heard that it was about a football team defying major odds. Little did I know there was also another underlying theme in the film that I was not aware of or mentally prepared for – infertility. Much of the night was spent dabbing my eyes with an incredible ache rising from the depths of my soul.

I have wanted to be a mommy forever it seems. Many broken roads have led me to this place where I am coming to grips with the fact that I will probably never conceive or give birth. Detours and straying from God’s will brought me into a new marriage at the age of 30 to a man who had “completed” his family prior to the unforseen dissolution of it. He and I spent the first 3 or 4 years enduring procedures – he a major one and I many tests – many ups and many downs – hopes raised then dashed. Doors were cracked but not slammed shut and early on an irregular cycle and many hundreds of dollars spent on HPTs looking for that second blue line in desperation left me emotionally spent, deeply hurt, and feeling like God had forgotten me. We are on the blessed road to adoption right now – it being filled with its own set of twists and turns and there is great peace and joy in my heart knowing that I may indeed realize my dream of motherhood. But it, too, is filled with moments of uncertainty like will our country of choice close its doors to international adoption.

While on this alternate road to motherhood, the pain of infertility still endures at times – though it is more a dull ache. It is a death of sorts. God designed my body to conceive, bear a child and provide nourishment but my body just does not want to cooperate. I have found myself sitting in rooms full of people looking for anyone who has not had a child, analyzing that each one in the room IS someone’s child, but that I am not part of that world. There are other shades and nuances in my story which belong to someone else – but sometimes I wonder why certain people have been given children, the blessing from God, and why I was overlooked. One thing I have learned in the field of special ed is that fair does not always mean equal. We serve a just and loving God but He does not entrust each one of us with the same exact journey. I miss my child – I miss the dream of my baby – I miss rocking him and feeding him and singing him lullabies and he never existed.

Infertility is one of the Giants I have had to face in my life. One of the giants I continually have to throw stones at so it does not obstruct the view of my savior. Infertility left me feeling deemed unworthy by God to be a mom and if I am unworthy to be a mom then I must just be unworthy. I hid from God because I knew He couldn’t possibly love me. Of all the Giants in my life, infertility has been the one leaving me feeling isolated and unwanted by God – like not being picked for a team.

At a critical point in the movie, it is asked “If the Lord never gives us children will you still love Him?” What a scary and difficult question – it shouldn’t be but I spent some time on that one.

I will still love Him if there is no 11th hour pardon to my infertility.

I will still love Him if a glitch happens in the adoption process and I cannot bring home my baby.

I will still love Him if R who is much like a daughter to me, walks away from me and doesn’t look back.

He has shown His grace, His mercy and His love to me.

He has been so patient with my tantrums and pains.

I will still love Him and praise him.

Peace

The Moment of Truth

{ January 23, 2008 @ 10:48 am } · { Blogroll, TV, church, faith, family, home, media, television }
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You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32

I am the way, the truth, and the life. John 14:6

and then in a search for the word truth in the Bible, I met with page after page of references where Jesus began his sentences with “I tell you the truth” – NIV.

Tonight is the premiere of a new game show on Fox called “The Moment of Truth“. The promos are very unsettling to me. Contestants have been given a polygraph prior to the show. They are then called upon to answer 21 questions in front of family, friends and coworkers. If they make it through the 21 questions, they get to take home a prize of $500,000. But at what cost? These questions aren’t things like “do you like pizza?”. They are more akin to “Do you think your marriage will last another 5 years?” The producers say they are not out to destroy anyone but think the show will “rock america”. An air of sadness washes over me as I have seen the commercials. It truly leaves me asking “What IS this world coming to?”

Jesus spoke truth to teach and build – this truth on the show leads down a slippery slope of destruction of mind, soul and spirit. I want my stepchild to know evil is in the world, but I don’t want her to become numb to the concept of cheating on spouses, internet porn, lying or cheating to get ahead. I don’t want to be subject to those thoughts either. It is time to say no to these outside influences. It is time for me to take a stand for my family and say enough is enough. I support the entertainment industry way too much. I own the movies, have seen the shows, have listened to the music. It weakens my relationship with God as I choose to continue to pollute a temple for our pure and holy Jesus Christ. How do I resolve or justify worshipping the Lord with the same lips that talk about violent television shows or that sing along to codependent amoral lyrics? Am I weakening the kingdom by not being the best warrior for Jesus that i can be.

There is definitely a Moment of Truth today. To decide whether to stand with the world or to stand with my Lord. In an odd sort of way I am thankful that this show has reared its ugly head. The line has been crossed the line has been drawn and I think I have finally found my voice.

Truth – what is truth – I love the lyrics of the Casting Crowns song -

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
“Boy you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

This is the truth I am interested in.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Peace

It’s January 16th…do you know where YOUR resolutions are?

{ January 16, 2008 @ 10:41 am } · { Blogroll, church, faith, life, losing weight, obesity, weight, weight loss, weight watchers, weightloss }
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We are a little over two weeks into the new year and Christmas seems like eons ago. I am a weight watcher – lower case and capital. I count points. For those of you unfamiliar with the program. It is simple, it works, and one track of it is based on points values assigned to all foods. These points are derived from a complicated “secret” formula which somehow relates the fat grams, fiber grams and calories of any given food. The higher the fiber and lower the fat, the less points any given food item will have. Beans – good, chocolate bars – not so much. BUT you can still have the chocolate bar. It will just take a larger chunk out of your daily points.

I have been doing Weight Watchers since August 1, 2006 this time around. I was on fire for the first 11 months. I lost 60 pounds during that time. I busted my knee this summer in a massive way, stopped exercising and had a major pity party which lasted until 12/31. I would take 1 step forward, 2 back – 2 forward, 1 back. Then in November in December I became the most apathetic person I know, shoving food in until it hurt.

I gained 12 pounds for a total of 17 gained back. I knew I had to do something. Somewhere around the time that I really started feeling and owning God’s love and mercy for me, I realized something I had given lip service to so readily when the going was easy. This is a journey. Weight loss is a journey of one good habit built upon another. There is no finish line, no end, no TA DA moment. This journey is parallel to most of life’s journey. We walk, we run, we fall, we get up……or we don’t. So much of my life has been about falling down and curling up in fetal position, crying for my mama. I had to grow up. It is part of a perfectionist streak I have in me. If it can’t be perfect, why do it?

I am learning so much and this is where it is difficult to articulate my feelings. I will never be perfect. Never the perfect wife, daughter, cook, SLP, friend. This doesn’t mean to fall down and give up. God wants us to strive toward righteousness – in spite of our flaws, not because of our greatness. When I think about the fact that God can love a world full of such flawed people – to the degree when He would send His perfect, precious only son to try to save us and then to die for us I am overcome.

As for resolutions – my weight loss journey is back on track now. I am down 6 pounds. I will fall again. I will fall in my marriage. I will fall with R. I will fall. But an ancient proverb says “fall seven times, get up eight”. I will keep striving to allow God to change me into the person he wants me to be and not be content where I am for the fact that I cannot come close to perfection “so why bother?”

It is not in the number of pounds that we lose, the cessation bad habits, or the freshly made bed every morning that we succeed in our resolutions….

wordnet.princeton.edu defines resolute as firm in purpose or belief; characterized by firmness and determination;

It is all about the purpose and determination – resolutions are about the striving not the flawlessness.

I challenge everyone to be resolute today about that which is important to you.

Peace

The Mean Reds

{ January 9, 2008 @ 3:32 pm } · { Blogroll, faith, family, life }
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“Listen…you know those days when you get the mean reds?” –Holly.
“The mean reds? You mean like the blues?” –Fred (Paul).
“No… the blues are because you’re getting fat or because it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?” –Holly.
“Sure.” –Fred (Paul).
“When I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump into a cab and go to Tiffany’s. Calms me down right away.” –Holly.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Breakfast at Tiffany’s. There is something about the naivete and loneliness that Audrey Hepburn’s character exhibits that hits to my very core. It isn’t that I have wild cocktail parties in my house or smoke using a long cigarette holder. I see that wide eyed look and want to embrace Holly Golightly. If you haven’t seen the movie, perhaps I would suggest a viewing. On the other hand, it wasn’t something my husband enjoyed.

Holly speaks of the mean reds. This concept has intrigued me and from time to times rears its head in my world. My mean reds usually occur at beginnings – the beginning of a new age for me on my birthday, the beginning of a new school year, the beginning of a new year and the beginning of the summer. I posted a comment on another blog about how I dislike surprises and change. I am afraid this is true.

Surprises require the relinquishment of control. The trust that something good or different can come without your input. I never have done quite well with that. But as I have had some major spiritual aha moments in the past month, I realize I have to be open to the surprises God has in store and not resist them or hide from them.

Change is not as negative of a concept because I tend to have input in change. I hope as I come to know God better, I will experience change in who I am and how I treat others.

I know all about mean reds. Today is one of those days as the weather gets cooler and the clouds start to gather. It is January. The Christmas decorations have been put away and I am in the middle of gathering paperwork for our dossier. In spite of this, I know this too shall pass and without Holly Golightly’s solution of walking through Tiffany’s and leaving with a robin’s egg blue box or bag. I need to seek solace in God and my lean on my family.

Peace

This is a day of new beginnings: Part 2

{ January 1, 2008 @ 2:26 pm } · { Blogroll, church, faith, family, home, life, music }
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Birthdays and New Year’s Eve/Day are very difficult times for me. I tend to have so many regrets of things left undone. I realize it is a waste to feel this way. I actually found myself in a very foul mood yesterday and finally told my husband – I have survived another year, I can’t BELIEVE I have to start all over again where so many bad things could happen – my parents are aging, his ex wife is unpredictable at best, no need to discuss worst, our country of choice for our adoption could possibly close its doors again (I promise this is nothing I have heard – just my brand of pessimism). So much possibility over the next year and yesterday I was so antsy and irritable with the thought.

I watched Rent with R yesterday. She loves this film, eveything about it – and I nearly fell out when I saw it with her for the first time yesterday and saw so many messages contradicting what we and our church are trying to teach her. A very long discussion ensued about the values represented in the movie – promiscuity, drugs, entitlement, the right to not have to work for that which we have – where to begin. I did see an underpinning of love, commitment and loyalty, but was left feeling very, very empty – and I love musicals – all kinds of musicals. Ah well, my point is not to trash Rent but to bring this full circle with some of what I was feeling yesterday about the upcoming year and the fear of the unknown and the regret of what has gone before. But there is a song in the musical called “another day” and one set of lyrics is as follows:

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

These words struck me – they are imperfect and perhaps worldly, but are they? We have a future in God, but the only day we are promised is today and if I consume myself with fear and worry with a splash of anxiety, this gift of life that God has given to me is mine to miss.

I hope this is a year of growth for me and peace for all. My goals are superficial and deep and too many to mention, but i will thank God for this day of new beginnings. I have a blank slate to know Him better, to live my life for Him and hopefully become more like Him.

Peace

Coming down off of Christmas….

{ December 27, 2007 @ 1:13 pm } · { Blogroll, church, faith, home, life }
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As I sit here typing, my stepson J is watching a movie he received for Christmas. I hear snippets of laughter coming from the den. Music is seeping under R’s door across the hall. I sit here thinking to the tune of Madison (my cat) bathing herself and Paddington and Britta (our dogs) settling in on my bed for a long winter’s nap. I think to say we are all a bit tired is an understatement. Christmas encompasses a level of energy that I find hard to sustain. Content describes how I feel today. I am becoming at peace with my Lord. It has been a week of lessons for me. And a present that came to me without a big bow or glitzy paper.

A kind person from church relentlessly sought me out for a coffee date – I am shy and had she not gently nudged, I would not have shared that cup of Joe. During our visit, she expressed what messages she had come away from Emmaus with – one resonated like a soft wind chime and has vibrated within me all week – that God loves me where I am. I do not have to order my whole life before I turn to Him and in fact it will hardly work if that is what I try to do. I find myself almost always trying to do that. When I have myself totally together then I will be good enough to have a relationship with our Father. How silly is that? I will never be good enough – it is through His grace and that I am saved and by His stripes that I am healed. Praise you, Lord Jesus.

Flash forward. I knew NYC would be a blast for many reasons. I didn’t know I would receive such an important, inspiring message from Les Miserables. I believe Dave and I have had several conversations – almost one per day – since the curtain went down on Les Miz that night. What an amazing story of grace and redemption. I would like to be more like Jean Valjean. and then there was the Charmin bathroom in Times Square lest I forget to tell you. To try to impart what a joyful place this public facility is will just fall short. But suffice to say, that in a beautiful city where public restrooms are scarce, Charmin has provided a clean, happy place and shared joy in what could just be a plain Jane bathroom. Just google Charmin restroom Times Square or look for it on YouTube – I was floating away with joy for a couple of hours upon leaving there.

Flash forward, yet one more time, to the Sunday before Christmas and our beloved Pastor Max’s sermon. I will do a great disservice to trying to impart the message but at a very low moment he helped culminate the week’s worth of lessons with the assurance that our God can be trusted in things big and small whether it makes sense or not and that when we give our lives over to Him there will ultimately be a happy ending – not necessarily in this life. What an amazing gift I have been given this Christmas – a greater understanding of God’s love for me. I owe Him so much – I owe Him EVERYTHING.

So as I come down off the ribbons and the bows, the egg nog and the spiral ham – I am still savoring and processing that little babe, born in a stable – a Christ child for all people – even me – even a sinner like me.

Praise Him.

Peace

Start Spreading the News

{ December 19, 2007 @ 11:31 am } · { Blogroll, church, faith, family, home, life, travel }
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There is something really cool about the song New York, New York. My heart becomes full of excitement whenever I hear it. I get this feeling of anticipation that is truly hard to explain. What an amazing city with an even more amazing pulse. I will be there tomorrow and so look forward to the magic and the movement.

Today there is that same kind of energy at my school. Children, full of excitement and anticipation, with 2 hours to go before being released to enjoy the holidays. There is so much hope and expectation – and while my school is in an area deeply effected by poverty, community involvement and love help to prevent these children whose hearts still believe the magic from learning all too young that Christmas is only for some people. Christmas is for everyone.

A lot of things have been swimming in my head this holiday season. My pastor has been preaching some powerful sermons and a friend on another blog posted something really thought provoking as well. My mind is starting to drift to the question of what kind of mother do I really want to be – both to R who will be with us for about 3 more years and to our child who is yet to come. How will I impart my faith? How will I impart morality and values? What are the important battles? I shouldn’t have to think about these things – if I had the depth of faith and relationship with the Living God of all things, I would be in the state of “becoming” a person from whom my children and others would learn.

There should be the same anticipation and excitement on my part that I have for this break, that I have for our trip to NYC with regard to my Savior and his gift of salvation to me and all who seek it. I would like to start spreading the news by living the news and owning the news.

That God sent a tiny baby to this earth, born in a stable filled with smelly animals to reach me, love me and then die so that we might live – so that I might live. Me, an sinner, someone who falls short on a daily basis. Christmas in its humble beginnings should humble me.

I long that this year it will be different – that a tiny baby, wrapped in rags, and washed in starlight will outshine the tinsel and the tree, the packages and the bows, for there IS no greater gift this Christmas than the little babe born in Bethlehem.

Peace

Broken Roads and Full Circles

{ December 17, 2007 @ 9:35 pm } · { Blogroll, Journey to Our Child, faith, family, home, infertility, life, parenting, travel }
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Where does time go? How is it that it has been almost 6 full months since I have been here?

I believe I started this blog in Summer of 2005 pondering how Dave and I were going to proceed in growing our family and going on to discuss so many other things. We had many detours along the way – I guess making the title “The Broken Road” all the more appropriate.

Where have I been?

We have been redoing our kitchen - after many months of searching craigslist for used cabinets and used countertops – we still have a loooong way to go!

Where have I been?

My husband was given a total dream gift – hard to fathom – even harder to explain. He loves sailing and was in the right place at the right time. Again, craigslist brought him a sailboat given out of kindness and love because the owner entrusted my husband to “love it” – trust me, Dorian, he DOES!

Where have I been?

Through a series of answered prayers, Dave and I have finally started the journey mentioned in the very first post on this blog – we have successfully completed our homestudy and are in the process of adopting from Vietnam – praise the Lord!

Where am I going? Our precious R is halfway through her sophomore year – we have been blessed with custody of her for 3 years – where does the time go? We are taking her to NYC to see Les Mis this week- it is closing in January – we will stay in Manhattan, eat some Vietnamese food, and take a horse drawn carriage ride – life goes so quickly – my R is such a blessing to me. I am going to savor all the time we have left together because I know her last two years will go ever so quickly.

Blessings to all of you my friends who have inspired me, loved me, encouraged me, worried about me and kept up with me. I blog about my journey to Vietnam – short thus far – at this blog.

Peace and Love to all.

My New Toy

{ June 20, 2007 @ 8:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
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This has been my dream car for years – it materialized at a used car lot 4 months ago and was priced to sell – it is 13 years old but pristine.

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