I am very sentimental. I am a traditionalist who finds it hard to let go of anything or anyone. I have been mourning some losses this past week – the town I used to live in, my first marriage, my infertility, old friends, and college days. Flashes from my past creep in and like ghosts, they haunt me. It is funny. I remember in 9th grade sitting at a football game with some friends, telling them wistfully that in 3 more years, these days would be gone. I was preemptively mourning the past, I guess. I figure if I had walked more in God’s will, some of these hurts would not exist – perhaps different job choices, different relationship choices. I have frequently faced life miscalculating the timing – God’s plan being like the perfect wave to body surf in on, and me either jumping too soon or too late or choosing a less perfect wave because I never thought I would hear from Him. I wonder how many times He sat on His throne, hurting for me because He knew how badly I was going to screw everything up. Because I have been the defiant child who didn’t listen, I am having the pity party to end all pity parties this week. I guess it is time to throw out the guests and clean up. Intellectually, I know God can still take the pieces of my life and use me – I think He uses me quite a bit in R’s world. In my heart, I feel like I have messed up too much to be a living testimony for Him.