My Path Is Not Always Straight

I am very sentimental. I am a traditionalist who finds it hard to let go of anything or anyone. I have been mourning some losses this past week – the town I used to live in, my first marriage, my infertility, old friends, and college days. Flashes from my past creep in and like ghosts, they haunt me. It is funny. I remember in 9th grade sitting at a football game with some friends, telling them wistfully that in 3 more years, these days would be gone. I was preemptively mourning the past, I guess. I figure if I had walked more in God’s will, some of these hurts would not exist – perhaps different job choices, different relationship choices. I have frequently faced life miscalculating the timing – God’s plan being like the perfect wave to body surf in on, and me either jumping too soon or too late or choosing a less perfect wave because I never thought I would hear from Him. I wonder how many times He sat on His throne, hurting for me because He knew how badly I was going to screw everything up. Because I have been the defiant child who didn’t listen, I am having the pity party to end all pity parties this week. I guess it is time to throw out the guests and clean up. Intellectually, I know God can still take the pieces of my life and use me – I think He uses me quite a bit in R’s world. In my heart, I feel like I have messed up too much to be a living testimony for Him.



About Ellen

I cannot even begin to describe who I am other than broken in body and soul with a dose of the only Hope there is. If you read me, you will know me.
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3 Responses to My Path Is Not Always Straight

  1. momsaway says:

    Well, that makes two of us, if that’s any consolation at all. God is good always, even when I turn Him away. Let’s pick up and move on, ok? Here’s a big smile and {{{{{HUG}}}}} for you!

  2. journeytomom says:

    But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
    2 Corinthians 2:9-10

    Sorry to hear you’re so down. I have many days like that, too. Hope Paul’s words offer some encouragement. My own would be quite feeble.

  3. berk says:

    If I took a VanGogh or a Botticelli and smeared grease or red paint over it, would it not still be one of the great pieces of art underneath the layers of grime I added to it? Even though the Venus de Milo sculpture’s arms are missing, isn’t it one of the most heralded sculptures in history? It is the same with you, sister. The world we live in will tempt you and others to smudge God’s masterpiece of the perfect you, but God uses that smudge to show you something. What have you seen? You’ve seen that you aren’t worthy, that there are defects in you that put you just out of reach of God’s use. Yet that is not what God has said. What has he said? Why did he send his only son? Was it out of guilt? As God, he could have left us to rot in our sin. And as God, he could have kept Adam from falling into sin. So why did he let sin enter the world and have Christ come to earth? Why? You know what the answer is, but don’t say it as fast as you normally do. Draw out the answer, slowly, clearly, and with a deliberate attempt to believe the words that are coming out of your mouth. Why did he send Jesus to this earth? Don’t read the rest of this comment until you’ve answered this. This is your foundation for emotional healing, and the rest of the comment is for spiritual maturity.

    God’s will is not like the perfect wave to body surf on, where His will is achieved only if your timing is right. God’s will for you is like all the oceans of the world, and all He has asked you to do is get in. Proverbs 24:16 holds God’s truth for you: the righteous stumble time and again, but they get up. Micah 6:6-8 is also for you. What will God have you to do? What is required by God from you? Are there prerequisites such as one marriage, steady job, or a temper never lost? Verses 6 and 7 speak to our desire to offer an exchange of something for God’s favor, but does he accept that kind of deal? Email me if you want to talk more offline, and send me your address so I can snail-mail you some encouragement. I know what grace is, and I am working out my salvation daily, just as you are. One last question: when will we arrive? When will we have “made it” spiritually? When will we see clearly (1st corinthians 13:12)?

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