I have spent much of my life trying to figure out who I am. This is an interesting concept. I mean I am who I am – the person God made me to be – growing, evolving, refining – but still me.
Why can’t I just leave it at that? In attempt to get a clean and clear answer to my question I have gone to therapy, bought countless self help books, and journalled reams, but none of these outlets have given me that nice, tidy little solution in black and white – and believe me when I tell you that while I am aware there are a lot of grays in this world, my world feels much safer in the former. I am not a great fan of “buts, excepts and howevers.”
I sort of know who I was and have glimpses of who I want to be. It is the here and now that provides me with this great identity crisis and for whatever reason, it is important to me to be able to define Ellen. I want a label that packages me accurately in as few words as possible. When I really think about that I say “How boring!” – I bet you do, too!
My latest fascination is with those novelty online quizzes that tell you what flavor ice cream, type of shoe, or variety of flower you are. Thankfully they will also divulge whether you are uptown or downtown and who your 80s heartthrob would be. What a relief and all in 5-10 multiple choice questions!
I slept very well last night, comforted by the fact that I had found some insight into my questions regarding myself. Who wouldn’t find serenity in knowing that they are chocolate ice cream, loafers, and pink roses coupled with the knowledge that they are downtown all the way and would really dig Bill Gates in the 80s? I unearthed the motherload!
All kidding aside, none of the tools I have used, not even those online inventories will provide the answers that I so long for. Finding the solution is just not meant to be. Life is dynamic and as much as I would like huge chunks to be static, it just isn’t going to work that way. I am a different person from who I was two days ago and I will be different again in 5 minutes. So much depends on whether I am growing toward God or away from Him in a given moment.
Read Psalm 139 some time! What a great testimony to our significance to God. All I have to know is that the Lord of all the Heavens has complete knowledge of me, my heart and my soul. He knows the choices I will make today and the mistakes I will make tomorrow. He has numbered my hairs and knows the length of time I will live. He loves me and cherishes me and I have done nothing to deserve this. While I can choose my path, so much of my life to come is like a rose opening petal by petal, at its own rate and in its own time not even divulged to me.
HOw comforting it is to know that I don’t have to know – that God has it all under control.