Must Be Something in the Water

I must tell you the stork is working overtime in my neck of the woods! This is a pretty bitter pill to swallow when faced with both male and female factor infertility. Don't worry, this is not going to be a self indulgent pity party. I have had plenty of those in my time and none of these tantrums managed to put an infant in our spare bedroom. All in God's timing, if at all.

My oldest stepdaughter shared with her father on Sunday night (while he was returning our grandbaby) that she is expecting again. When the news came about her first pregnancy with my precious grandbaby, I was in the midst of the biggest infertility pity party and was far from the adult in the situation. I have so much shame over how I acted during her pregnancy  and how I was so terribly awful and selfish. She was a teenager and needed all the grownup support possible in her life and I was not there for her. God and I have had many discussions about this and while I have asked my eldest SD for forgiveness, it does not blot out my ghastly behavior. I hope to make up for my behavior this time.

I found out today an old friend had become a parent several times over since I had been in contact and a woman at work is expecting in July.

Several people at church all have that all too cute protruding belly.

I cannot tell you why God has not granted my desire for motherhood. He may never say yes. I strive to be a good stepmother, but as stated above, I often fall drastically short and as much as I wish stepmotherhood were motherhood, my husband's children have a mother and did not sign on for another one (except occasionally R).

I love playing with, teaching and influencing my preschool students and my grandbaby, but again, there is no magic wand, no fairytale ending and no motherhood.

Having observed and known my beautiful R and her experience having been adopted, I know there is no guarantee that should I choose that route, my child would acknowledge me as their mother without serious issues of anger and beyond.

A friend's blog has been dealing with the issue of adoption lately and commenters on that blog make me question what has, until now, been a certain choice for me.

I have mourned, sobbed, bargained and begged – I have spent  hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests bought in the throws of wishful thinking. I have gone to fertility doctors and had three doctor's with time on their hand stand around me playing ultrasound poker – I see your fibroids and raise you PCOS and possible endometriosis – cool, but what about the tilted uterus? We have done vitamins, medicines, anything within feasible financial means.

Tonight I will do none of these things – I cannot tell you why God chooses some people to be mothers and chooses others not to. I cannot tell you that He will or will not eventually grant my wish. I cannot necessarily say that I must not be ready because let's get real – how many high school girls who find themselves expecting are "ready"?

I can tell you that Him timing and plan is perfect – had my wishes been granted, we could not have been totally focused on R when her mother invited her to leave last year. Being our sole focus important for her healing.

I can tell you, God loves me. I can tell you that motherhood at this point for me would last about 40 years – a small drop compared to the eternal perspective.

Am I bitter – somedays yes – but there are many other kinds of pain in this world and to sit in my corner nursing my wounds is not what God would have me do I am pretty sure.

Parenting isn't ownership and I have often caught myself I, me, mine – ing the thought of offspring –  and yet again my brain is coming around to the idea that it isn't all about me.

I am hoping this is all part of some grand testimony that I will share to help ease others pain – I am becoming more willing to accept that the testimony might not be the happy ending kind, but the Romans 8:28 kind.

Part of the journey is learning to listen to His will – motherhood had become an idol to me and I am just now realizing that I cannot place it on high.

So now…

While there might be something in the water for those countless women around me – I must seek my answers in the Living Water.

I have to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness- until I learn that lesson the rest of that verse just doesn't matter – it isn't a swap meet.



About Ellen

I cannot even begin to describe who I am other than broken in body and soul with a dose of the only Hope there is. If you read me, you will know me.
This entry was posted in Blogroll, church, faith, family, infertility, life, parenting. Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Must Be Something in the Water

  1. hockamama says:

    Ellen, I feel for you so. You obviously have much love to share. It’s so difficult to sit back and wait for God’s will. My in-laws tried for years to have children, and ended up adopting 3. Those children later found their biological families and discovered that they were indeed saved from a countless horrors, by a loving and gracious God, who handpicked the parents that he wanted them to have.

    I know that nothing I say will help, but you know that God loves you and He knows what is best.

    Love to you

  2. Helen Losse says:

    Ellen, I have read this over several times. And I do not know what to say. In the early years of our marriage, I had endometriosis that I thought would prevent conception. But God blessed me with two sons. I know my prayer for you is “Thy will be done,” but something in me cries with you in your desire to have a child.

  3. Ellen says:

    Thanks so much for your sweet comments – I realized in spite of my effort not to sound whiny I did just that. Each of us has our burdens in this world. Mine are no greater than anyone else’s – I just want God to use me if this is to be my lot, I want Him to use this for his greater good.


  4. journeytomom says:

    Oh Ellen, I have so been there and done that. Many hugs to you. I still remember how painful it was to learn of my cousin’s pregnancy. She’s 7 years younger than me, so I was supposed to be first. But then, it’s not about me, is it. But it still hurts.
    I’m praying for you, along with myself, about our adoption decisions. I still very much believe that there are children out there that do truely need homes.
    More hugs,

  5. Carol says:

    Hi Ellen,

    I remember being 28 and so desperately wanting to have a child. A lot of women from our church at the time that were younger than me were pregnant, and at times I wondered if God was going to pass me by. I did pray for His will, and I tried the best I could to leave it in His hands. Sometimes that is hard to do when you want something really bad. I remember going to a Friday night prayer meeting at our church one particular evening and feeling really down about the whole baby issue. Nobody really knew what I was going through, because I hadn’t shared it with anyone. In the middle of this prayer meeting, a lady I respected(she was a real prayer warrior)came up to me and told me that God had heard my prayer and that he was going to bless me with a beautiful baby girl. I said to myself, “Okay Lord. If this is really from You, then You will bring it to pass. If not, help me just to trust You.” About a year later, I had my daughter Jennifer. Everybody’s situation is different. I find that when I’m struggling with things such as this, what really helps me is to keep bringing it to God. He truly knows what’s best, and He wants what is best for us. “Casting all your care upon Him; for he careth for you.” I Peter 5:7 I will keep you in my prayers.


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  7. Larry says:

    I have the same issue all step children and none of my own. I regret it, and pray for it but for me if it doesn’t happen? God has blessed me with the most awesome girls so no regrets.

    Well, mabe a few.


  8. Jayleigh says:

    there is no magic wand, no fairytale ending and no motherhood

    Ellen, you dear sweet woman. 13+ years of this and I know just what you mean. I know. And it bites and I am so sorry, my dear.

    May your heart be preserved this day. May the Lord hold you in the palm of His merciful hand.


  9. nan says:

    Ellen, I wish I had the words to express how deeply I feel for you. Having been blessed with both children and grandchildren I honestly can’t feel your pain. I am usually very good at putting myself in others shoes cause I have pretty much been there done that, but not what you have been going through. I have found you to be a generous and sweet lady who I admire immensely for your thoughtfulness, intelligence and kindness. God Bless You.

  10. Jeff says:

    I know Ellen and she is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!! She is my supervisor and she does not like me reading this stuff.


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