I must tell you the stork is working overtime in my neck of the woods! This is a pretty bitter pill to swallow when faced with both male and female factor infertility. Don't worry, this is not going to be a self indulgent pity party. I have had plenty of those in my time and none of these tantrums managed to put an infant in our spare bedroom. All in God's timing, if at all.
My oldest stepdaughter shared with her father on Sunday night (while he was returning our grandbaby) that she is expecting again. When the news came about her first pregnancy with my precious grandbaby, I was in the midst of the biggest infertility pity party and was far from the adult in the situation. I have so much shame over how I acted during her pregnancy and how I was so terribly awful and selfish. She was a teenager and needed all the grownup support possible in her life and I was not there for her. God and I have had many discussions about this and while I have asked my eldest SD for forgiveness, it does not blot out my ghastly behavior. I hope to make up for my behavior this time.
I found out today an old friend had become a parent several times over since I had been in contact and a woman at work is expecting in July.
Several people at church all have that all too cute protruding belly.
I cannot tell you why God has not granted my desire for motherhood. He may never say yes. I strive to be a good stepmother, but as stated above, I often fall drastically short and as much as I wish stepmotherhood were motherhood, my husband's children have a mother and did not sign on for another one (except occasionally R).
I love playing with, teaching and influencing my preschool students and my grandbaby, but again, there is no magic wand, no fairytale ending and no motherhood.
Having observed and known my beautiful R and her experience having been adopted, I know there is no guarantee that should I choose that route, my child would acknowledge me as their mother without serious issues of anger and beyond.
A friend's blog has been dealing with the issue of adoption lately and commenters on that blog make me question what has, until now, been a certain choice for me.
I have mourned, sobbed, bargained and begged – I have spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests bought in the throws of wishful thinking. I have gone to fertility doctors and had three doctor's with time on their hand stand around me playing ultrasound poker – I see your fibroids and raise you PCOS and possible endometriosis – cool, but what about the tilted uterus? We have done vitamins, medicines, anything within feasible financial means.
Tonight I will do none of these things – I cannot tell you why God chooses some people to be mothers and chooses others not to. I cannot tell you that He will or will not eventually grant my wish. I cannot necessarily say that I must not be ready because let's get real – how many high school girls who find themselves expecting are "ready"?
I can tell you that Him timing and plan is perfect – had my wishes been granted, we could not have been totally focused on R when her mother invited her to leave last year. Being our sole focus important for her healing.
I can tell you, God loves me. I can tell you that motherhood at this point for me would last about 40 years – a small drop compared to the eternal perspective.
Am I bitter – somedays yes – but there are many other kinds of pain in this world and to sit in my corner nursing my wounds is not what God would have me do I am pretty sure.
Parenting isn't ownership and I have often caught myself I, me, mine – ing the thought of offspring – and yet again my brain is coming around to the idea that it isn't all about me.
I am hoping this is all part of some grand testimony that I will share to help ease others pain – I am becoming more willing to accept that the testimony might not be the happy ending kind, but the Romans 8:28 kind.
Part of the journey is learning to listen to His will – motherhood had become an idol to me and I am just now realizing that I cannot place it on high.
While there might be something in the water for those countless women around me – I must seek my answers in the Living Water.
I have to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness- until I learn that lesson the rest of that verse just doesn't matter – it isn't a swap meet.