You have not slept 5 months. This is my new year. Today is my birthday – my 36th to be exact.
Somewhere along the line I really developed a great disdain for my birthday. While my husband assures me that my life has moved forward, I seem to feel like I am in a holding pattern. Nothing is moving forward and thankfully, nothing is moving backward. But alas and alack – nothing is moving.
I feel like I am in some hypnotic state – my life is racing and each day I wake up and waste is one less day to have lived here.
This isn’t just about me – it is about my responsibility to contribute to others worlds. It is the thought that if I were Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence the angel would have nothing to show me about my impact on the people in my life.
It is the wistful yearning for the passion and appreciation for the present and the mourning over the wasted past.
I am glad I was born – still trying to figure out why my best laid plans have yet to occur, but forever grateful to my parents for bringing me here and to God for all of His blessings. I have not been a good steward of the gift of waking up in the morning.
I eat up quotes about sucking the marrow out of life by Thoreau, soliloquoys spoken by Emily in Our Town about the blessings of the day to day aspects of life, and cheesy lines made by Ferris in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Boy, the melodrama I can create.
This year I resolve to: figure out the infertility/adoption thing and lay a plan and follow it, be a better stepmom, be the best flybaby possible, become a more loving spouse, develop a stronger relationship with God, and lose about 50 pounds so I will have more time to make the most of the time wasted.
We are laying low today in terms of birthday celebrations and I have the most wonderful distraction to prevent me from having a birthday pity party – our small group bible study is coming for our summer picnic tonight and as a group we have made the unwritten rule that birthdays are not celebrated by the group – lest we accidentally leave out someone’s along the way – good plan.
R comes back tomorrow and we’ll have a small cake this weekend – she wanted to celebrate my birthday with me and actually wanted to work summer visitation around it – don’t ever let me say I am not blessed or that I don’t have at least one child!