You have not slept 5 months. This is my new year. Today is my birthday – my 36th to be exact.
Somewhere along the line I really developed a great disdain for my birthday. While my husband assures me that my life has moved forward, I seem to feel like I am in a holding pattern. Nothing is moving forward and thankfully, nothing is moving backward. But alas and alack – nothing is moving.
I feel like I am in some hypnotic state – my life is racing and each day I wake up and waste is one less day to have lived here.
This isn’t just about me – it is about my responsibility to contribute to others worlds. It is the thought that if I were Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence the angel would have nothing to show me about my impact on the people in my life.
It is the wistful yearning for the passion and appreciation for the present and the mourning over the wasted past.
I am glad I was born – still trying to figure out why my best laid plans have yet to occur, but forever grateful to my parents for bringing me here and to God for all of His blessings. I have not been a good steward of the gift of waking up in the morning.
I eat up quotes about sucking the marrow out of life by Thoreau, soliloquoys spoken by Emily in Our Town about the blessings of the day to day aspects of life, and cheesy lines made by Ferris in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Boy, the melodrama I can create.
This year I resolve to: figure out the infertility/adoption thing and lay a plan and follow it, be a better stepmom, be the best flybaby possible, become a more loving spouse, develop a stronger relationship with God, and lose about 50 pounds so I will have more time to make the most of the time wasted.
We are laying low today in terms of birthday celebrations and I have the most wonderful distraction to prevent me from having a birthday pity party – our small group bible study is coming for our summer picnic tonight and as a group we have made the unwritten rule that birthdays are not celebrated by the group – lest we accidentally leave out someone’s along the way – good plan.
R comes back tomorrow and we’ll have a small cake this weekend – she wanted to celebrate my birthday with me and actually wanted to work summer visitation around it – don’t ever let me say I am not blessed or that I don’t have at least one child!
Peace!
The Broken Road 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Don’t despair, Ellen, birthdays signify the chance to have cake and ice cream with loved ones, forget about the age thing; it’s gonna happen with or without our consent.
As for your impact on others’ lives, I personally visit this site frequently just to absorb your writings, your opinions and feelings. I look forward to reading your words. You impact me. (Sounds a little Jerry McGuiri-sh,huh?) And I can guarantee you that the people in your life value you more than you will ever know…case in point, R’s wish to schedule visitation around your day.
Ellen, I love you and I know that many other people do, as well. I hope y’all have a GREAT summer picnic, and I await your next composition.
Hi Ellen, Happy Birthday. You impact my life also. I love reading what you have to say about (shared) all-too-common situations. I love it when you visit my blog, always leaving your “Peace.” Peace to you, my sister, and love.
Happy Birthday Ellen! I pray that this “new year” will be filled with God’s richest blessings for you and your family.
Carol
Happy Happy Birthday you dear, sweet lady. We who are in our 60’s think those of you in your 30’s are still young. My oldest child who visits your site (Hockamama)is a tad older than you. Shhh.. don’t tell her I told you that. Anyway, I had to write and tell you that honestly I would trade the first 37 years of my life for the last 25 I have lived. I was in my late 50’s when I truly found my place in this world. I was a very slow learner, by the way. From all I have read on your blog, I find you to be a very loving, caring kindhearted, Christian lady. You can’t ever go wrong with those traits. Acceptance of my past and where God has placed me at this time is what keeps me going. He may not have revealed his plans for you yet, but he will in His time, he promised.
By the way, thank you so much for your kind comments on my blogs. I am so far behind, I think I am starting at the beginning again.
Nan
“if I were Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, Clarence the angel would have nothing to show me about my impact on the people in my life.”
Oh Honestly! You must know that isn’t true. I know it’s been a while since we emailed back and forth, but the times we did truly made a difference in my life. You are such an awesome and caring person and I feel ever so blessed to know you. **hugs**
Happy Birthday dear one.
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Belated Happy Birthday to you!!!
What you need is a move – just kidding. Not sure it’s worth all the trouble. But I have been feeling much like you describe the past few years we lived in Virginia. It’s amazing what you learn when it comes time to leave a place or group of people. I have been so very suprised to hear from various people how much I have meant to them and how much I will be missed. It’s just not stuff we go around telling each other very often. From the impact I see here on your little spot in cyberspace, I can only guess the impact you must be having in your ‘real’ world.
Be encouraged and keep on keeping on!
Your sister in Christ,
Melissa