I have alluded to these before in my blog. You may know what I am talking about. Someone has gone into Lowes, Sherwin Williams, or Walmart with the “perfect” paint color in mind. Upon painstakingly mulling over the paint chips, they zero in on the hue that will lead to fulfillment – total optical nirvana. The paint mixer does his thing, shakes it all up according to the specs, places a dab on a paint stick, then blows it dry – voila! He shows it to the consumer who is displeased because the optical nirvana she thought she would reach from the paint chip she handed over just doesn’t do it for her or she has second thoughts about painting her dining room bright brandied melon or her bathroom harvest vermilion.
Here is where it gets fun. I waltz into one of these stores with no intention of purchasing paint. I check out the other departments. Then my ritual tends to be walking to the paint department to view the shelf of forlorn looking cans sitting there in total rejection hoping someone will come along and validate them as beautiful. This is exciting to me because sometimes it happens. In the rare instance where I am not asking “what were they thinking?” I am struck by the optical nirvana the consumer had so desired. I am not knocking these people – they know what they want. They can look through hundreds of paint samples and find that one color. I wish I were that decisive – but alas, I have been given a second chance in the small assortment of almost but not quite colors.
In our first home, when it felt like we were not far from destitute this was often a gift of grace. I found so many shades that made our house a home at 75% off the retail price. They were like little bright spots. I was discouraged in so many ways, but God allowed me to find some joy in coloring my world. Guests were astonished when told how little my decorating cost – if it had cost a lot, discussing it with guests would be gauche, but it was more of a testimony. Our dining room was painted, bordered and chandelier-ed for under 25 dollars and it was the show place of our home.
When we moved, I continued to peruse the paints. I was already blessed in so many ways – nothing struck me as “the” color for anywhere – until last week. I was in walmart and happened upon the mistint shelf. Sitting there was this rich yellow satin with red undertones – $5.62. Our hallway was a very tired white, dingy and blah with no identity. I went back to walmart 3 times and finally claimed it. Saturday night while R was at church, I painted the hallway and hung sage paisley curtains over the french doors and for $20 the hallway was no longer an eyesore.
I want to make a leap here, because I have been struggling with my faith – a lot. I have been feeling fearful of trusting God with my whole heart. The world is hard – the world is mean and so many things and people have broken my heart when I have trusted them. My mind is having difficulty with the transition of giving myself fully over to God. and then there is the feeling that He doesn’t want me as messed up as I am. This is a very hard station to be in. I feel like a mistint – like I was supposed to be one color and turned out to be something that no one wants. I want God to come to the shelf and tell me that I am just the perfect color for His kingdom (tough choice of words because I don’t mean perfect). I want Him to find the joy in me that I find in cans of paint on shelves. Like I said I am struggling – I want to have a meaning and purpose for Him but I just don’t see it right now. I want to feel safe in Him.