Birthdays and New Year’s Eve/Day are very difficult times for me. I tend to have so many regrets of things left undone. I realize it is a waste to feel this way. I actually found myself in a very foul mood yesterday and finally told my husband – I have survived another year, I can’t BELIEVE I have to start all over again where so many bad things could happen – my parents are aging, his ex wife is unpredictable at best, no need to discuss worst, our country of choice for our adoption could possibly close its doors again (I promise this is nothing I have heard – just my brand of pessimism). So much possibility over the next year and yesterday I was so antsy and irritable with the thought.
I watched Rent with R yesterday. She loves this film, eveything about it – and I nearly fell out when I saw it with her for the first time yesterday and saw so many messages contradicting what we and our church are trying to teach her. A very long discussion ensued about the values represented in the movie – promiscuity, drugs, entitlement, the right to not have to work for that which we have – where to begin. I did see an underpinning of love, commitment and loyalty, but was left feeling very, very empty – and I love musicals – all kinds of musicals. Ah well, my point is not to trash Rent but to bring this full circle with some of what I was feeling yesterday about the upcoming year and the fear of the unknown and the regret of what has gone before. But there is a song in the musical called “another day” and one set of lyrics is as follows:
The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
These words struck me – they are imperfect and perhaps worldly, but are they? We have a future in God, but the only day we are promised is today and if I consume myself with fear and worry with a splash of anxiety, this gift of life that God has given to me is mine to miss.
I hope this is a year of growth for me and peace for all. My goals are superficial and deep and too many to mention, but i will thank God for this day of new beginnings. I have a blank slate to know Him better, to live my life for Him and hopefully become more like Him.