This past fall, my church hosted a community outreach night where we held a showing of the film Facing the Giants. Many children and grownups attended and I came out as well. I had heard that it was about a football team defying major odds. Little did I know there was also another underlying theme in the film that I was not aware of or mentally prepared for – infertility. Much of the night was spent dabbing my eyes with an incredible ache rising from the depths of my soul.
I have wanted to be a mommy forever it seems. Many broken roads have led me to this place where I am coming to grips with the fact that I will probably never conceive or give birth. Detours and straying from God’s will brought me into a new marriage at the age of 30 to a man who had “completed” his family prior to the unforseen dissolution of it. He and I spent the first 3 or 4 years enduring procedures – he a major one and I many tests – many ups and many downs – hopes raised then dashed. Doors were cracked but not slammed shut and early on an irregular cycle and many hundreds of dollars spent on HPTs looking for that second blue line in desperation left me emotionally spent, deeply hurt, and feeling like God had forgotten me. We are on the blessed road to adoption right now – it being filled with its own set of twists and turns and there is great peace and joy in my heart knowing that I may indeed realize my dream of motherhood. But it, too, is filled with moments of uncertainty like will our country of choice close its doors to international adoption.
While on this alternate road to motherhood, the pain of infertility still endures at times – though it is more a dull ache. It is a death of sorts. God designed my body to conceive, bear a child and provide nourishment but my body just does not want to cooperate. I have found myself sitting in rooms full of people looking for anyone who has not had a child, analyzing that each one in the room IS someone’s child, but that I am not part of that world. There are other shades and nuances in my story which belong to someone else – but sometimes I wonder why certain people have been given children, the blessing from God, and why I was overlooked. One thing I have learned in the field of special ed is that fair does not always mean equal. We serve a just and loving God but He does not entrust each one of us with the same exact journey. I miss my child – I miss the dream of my baby – I miss rocking him and feeding him and singing him lullabies and he never existed.
Infertility is one of the Giants I have had to face in my life. One of the giants I continually have to throw stones at so it does not obstruct the view of my savior. Infertility left me feeling deemed unworthy by God to be a mom and if I am unworthy to be a mom then I must just be unworthy. I hid from God because I knew He couldn’t possibly love me. Of all the Giants in my life, infertility has been the one leaving me feeling isolated and unwanted by God – like not being picked for a team.
At a critical point in the movie, it is asked “If the Lord never gives us children will you still love Him?” What a scary and difficult question – it shouldn’t be but I spent some time on that one.
I will still love Him if there is no 11th hour pardon to my infertility.
I will still love Him if a glitch happens in the adoption process and I cannot bring home my baby.
I will still love Him if R who is much like a daughter to me, walks away from me and doesn’t look back.
He has shown His grace, His mercy and His love to me.
He has been so patient with my tantrums and pains.
I will still love Him and praise him.