Facing The Giants in life and the movie

This past fall, my church hosted a community outreach night where we held a showing of the film Facing the Giants. Many children and grownups attended and I came out as well. I had heard that it was about a football team defying major odds. Little did I know there was also another underlying theme in the film that I was not aware of or mentally prepared for – infertility. Much of the night was spent dabbing my eyes with an incredible ache rising from the depths of my soul.

I have wanted to be a mommy forever it seems. Many broken roads have led me to this place where I am coming to grips with the fact that I will probably never conceive or give birth. Detours and straying from God’s will brought me into a new marriage at the age of 30 to a man who had “completed” his family prior to the unforseen dissolution of it. He and I spent the first 3 or 4 years enduring procedures – he a major one and I many tests – many ups and many downs – hopes raised then dashed. Doors were cracked but not slammed shut and early on an irregular cycle and many hundreds of dollars spent on HPTs looking for that second blue line in desperation left me emotionally spent, deeply hurt, and feeling like God had forgotten me. We are on the blessed road to adoption right now – it being filled with its own set of twists and turns and there is great peace and joy in my heart knowing that  I may indeed realize my dream of motherhood. But it, too, is filled with moments of uncertainty like will our country of choice close its doors to international adoption.

While on this alternate road to motherhood, the pain of infertility still endures at times – though it is more a dull ache. It is a death of sorts. God designed my body to conceive, bear a child and provide nourishment but my body just does not want to cooperate. I have found myself sitting in rooms full of people looking for anyone who has not had a child, analyzing that each one in the room IS someone’s child, but that I am not part of that world. There are other shades and nuances in my story which belong to someone else – but sometimes I wonder why certain people have been given children, the blessing from God, and why I was overlooked. One thing I have learned in the field of special ed is that fair does not always mean equal. We serve a just and loving God but He does not entrust each one of us with the same exact journey. I miss my child – I miss the dream of my baby – I miss rocking him and feeding him and singing him lullabies and he never existed.

Infertility is one of the Giants I have had to face in my life. One of the giants I continually have to throw stones at so it does not obstruct the view of my savior. Infertility left me feeling deemed unworthy by God to be a mom and if I am unworthy to be a mom then  I must just be unworthy. I hid from God because I knew He couldn’t possibly love me. Of all the Giants in my life, infertility has been the one leaving me feeling isolated and unwanted by God – like not being picked for a team.

At a critical point in the movie, it is asked “If the Lord never gives us children will you still love Him?” What a scary and difficult question – it shouldn’t be but I spent some time on that one.

I will still love Him if there is no 11th hour pardon to my infertility.

I will still love Him if a glitch happens in the adoption process and I cannot bring home my baby.

I will still love Him if R who is much like a daughter to me, walks away from me and doesn’t look back.

He has shown His grace, His mercy and His love to me.

He has been so patient with my tantrums and pains.

I will still love Him and praise him.

Peace

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About Ellen

I cannot even begin to describe who I am other than broken in body and soul with a dose of the only Hope there is. If you read me, you will know me.
This entry was posted in Blogroll, church, faith, family, home, infertility. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Facing The Giants in life and the movie

  1. Noelle says:

    I can understand some of those feelings.. I just saw Juno tonight with a friend – don’t go see it if Facing the Giants was rough to get through. I saw that movie before a hysterectomy and cried. I cried a different cry now during Juno…. Good movie – but not for someone struggling as you are.

    I love that question in Facing the Giants. I have a situation I can use it right now with a friend of mine. Thanks for reminding me of it.

  2. trishsupples says:

    I also have delayed pursuit of motherhood due to circumstances so I understand a little of what you feel. Your post was thoughtful and beautifully honest. I have settled on a peace that comes with knowing I still have time to have a child via physical birth and/or from the choice of adoption. But if that never happens then I am trying to focus on the fact that I am a mother to all the children I interact with…but my motherhood is patches of love vs. the whole quilt. It sounds like you work with children with special needs. Imagine all the children you are impacting with your patches? You will be part of hundreds of quilts passed down to dozens of generations…that sounds like you are already an amazing mom! god bless and peace to you..

  3. hockamama says:

    I remember our minister asking us a similar question during pre-marital counseling: if you lost one of your children, would you blame God? I told him I couldn’t honestly answer that. I would like to say no, but until you experience a situation, how can you be sure?

    3 years ago, some very good friends of ours lost their son two days before thanksgiving. he was one of my youth, a really sweet kid, a senior, 2 months shy of his 18th birthday. his parents don’t come to church very often anymore. his mama says she just can’t bear it, she’s still so angry at God. I just don’t know that I’d feel any different. but a minister friend of ours tells us that God has big shoulders, and he’s okay with our anger.

  4. kikikaria says:

    Ellen,

    I feel for you in your pain and desire to be a mother. I know many people who have adopted, and God blessed them with wonderful children whom they loved just like they would their own. I also know of couples who were told they couldn’t have kids, and God performed a miracle. I know a woman who suffered 9 miscarriages before she was finally able to give birth to a son. She had 2 more after that! God is faithful. We don’t always know the reason why for things that happen or don’t happen to us. That’s where trust comes in that He knows what’s best for us and will work everything out according to His plan. I think of that scripture in Psalms that says, Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when desire comes, it is a tree of life. May God bless you with a new little life to love, cherish and nurture.
    Love & PRayers,
    Karen

  5. Stephanie says:

    Oh Ellen – what an amazing post. I’m so sorry for your struggles. I have a biological child, but was unable to have another and I was heartbroken about that. But God was faithful and I have wonderful stepchildren that fill my life in so many ways.

    I am also an adopted child and was thrilled to see that you are pursuing adoption. I can say that, though my mother and father are not mine biologically, though my mother did not give birth to me, she and my Dad are wholly my parents and I am wholly their daughter. It can be a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. I pray that it will be everything you dreamed of and more.

    I hope your stepmom journey evens out and that the ex-wife-in-law gets a grip on her actions. I hope you and your husband have an amazing support system that will help you through the tough times. Thanks for commenting. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your blog. 🙂

  6. Dana says:

    Ellen,
    Thanks for your honesty about your struggles. Your post really touched my heart. While I can’t understand the pain of not having children, my struggles have been else where & I have asked myself the same questions you have asked. Learning to have joy in the midst of the life that God has given us that does not meet our expectations is hard. Our God loves us so much and desires us to know him so deeply that he knows exactly what it will take to get us there.

  7. Monique says:

    Hi there,

    My name is Monique & I’m part of the PR team for Sherwood Pictures–creators of FACING THE GIANTS.
    Thank you so much for supporting the movie on your blog! We wanted to keep you informed of their latest project–FIREPROOF.
    It’s due to hit theaters this September in theaters nationwide. You can go to http://www.fireproofthemovie.com to view the trailer, ready the synopsis, and sign up for updates to stay up to date with all of the FIREPROOF happenings! If you’re interested in learning more or need any resource, pictures, and downloads for your blog please email me at monique@lovell-fairchild.com and I will be happy to get you what you need.

    Again, thanks for blogging!
    Monique
    Lovell-Fairchild Communications

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