The Broken Road

I have been MIA. Incubating, hibernating- just being. Winter has kind of thrown me into a contemplative mode and while much of what I contemplated I share, as I got deeper I didn’t really want to peel away all of the layers that were unprocessed or at least underprocessed.

My wonderful husband painted our living room for me in its entirety Friday even removing molding and socket/outlet covers. This was a true act of love as he despises paint but the color makes me feel so warm and happy. I had a hunch it would.

I have begun participating in an evening women’s bible study called For Women Only written by Shaunti Feldhahn and have thrown myself bodily into it. The first week was on a man’s need for respect. It was truly an eye opening week and gave me insight into why I struggle at times in my marriage and why perhaps I am greatly responsible for the demise of my first marriage.  OUCH!

There has emerged within me a peace - truth be told, the peace that passes all understanding. Some major life shifters/shakers have washed over us lately and I am still standing with the peace and knowledge that regardless of anything - God will be with me. I even have started going back to Sunday school. We are studying a book by Jim Cymbala of the Brooklyn Tabernacle.

I guess I am still in awe about how long it took me to find God again especially when He has been waiting here patiently for several years. He has held me and let me rest in Him for the past couple of months. What a blessing.

Peace

Anyone recall that Carole King song? As a child of the 70s, I recall listening to it on the flip side of a 45 “show and tell” book/album - you know - the ones that would have the nice little explanatory intro at the beginning “when you hear the bell *ding* turn the page”. The other side of the story album was a tale of a little boy names Pierre who didn’t care - the whole story was about how he didn’t care. Loved it.

This is a totally random post today - I ate chicken soup with rice today at school trying hard to stay on my weight watchers program. I have had a lot of soup this week in an attempt to ward off the evil flu bug infesting my house. First R got it, then my husband started roasting in his sleep last night. Both down for the count. R is back in school today. I am the one who has not fallen yet. Dave and I are due to go to a marriage retreat this weekend and I know satan would love nothing more than for me to get the flu so we have to cancel. Ah well, I am praying it away and drinking plenty of fluids, using that alcohol based hand soap and soup - egg drop, wonton, chicken with rice ala Carole King.

I’ll take anything a la Carole King and I believe given the choice of the soup or the music I would pick her.

Peace

My husband had two family members who shared this date as their birthday. They were both incredible people that I am thankful I had the privilege of knowing.

His mother was a dynamic, strong woman whose life was a lesson. She grew up during the depression but lived a rich life. Though life was a challenge she successfully raised 5  sons and chose to follow her dream of becoming a nurse when she was close to 50 years old. What I take from her is acceptance, grace, and the knowledge that it is never too late to start over and pursue a dream. We lost her in the Fall of 2004.

On her 60th birthday, my mother-in-law became a grandmother to a talented and kind young  man. He was handsome and outgoing and never met a stranger. He was talented in the arts and was at home on the stage. His life was snuffed out one day shy of his 21st birthday in 2002. He is sorely missed by everyone in the family.

I was lucky enough to have spent time with both of them and their lives touched me, although I almost don’t feel justified in saying that I miss them because people in this world shared such a larger part of their world. I do miss them. I especially miss Dave’s mom.

Happy Birthday, Cathy and Matt.

Peace to you and….

Peace

This is a light and easy recipe. I believe I got it from my mom who got it from her Weight Watchers leader. 

1 can crushed pineapple in natural juices (not syrup)

1 box angel food cake mix

Mix dry cake mix with crushed pineapple (do NOT follow any of the directions for other ingredients on the angel food cake box)

Bake 25-30 minutes at 350.

Makes a 9×13 cake - 1/12 is 2pts (weight watchers speak) - for a fancier company ready dessert, ice with ff cool whip to add 1 pt per slice.

This is incredible, light and soooo summery tasting - it tastes good the next day having been chilled.

I have recently become reacquainted with one of the most gorgeous songs I believe I have ever heard. It is a song sung by CeCe Winans and if you are the least bit emotional prepare to cry if you ever hear it.

It is called Alabaster Box. The first verse tells of the woman who came to wash Jesus’ feet, but then the chorus comes and the magnitude of what God has done for me through His son and the gifts He continues to give just washes over me.

Chorus:
And I’ve come to pour
My praise on Him-like oil
From Mary’s alabasterbox
Don’t be angry if I wash His feet with my tears
And dry them with my hair
You weren’t there-the night He found me
You did not feel what I felt
When He wrapped His loving arms around me
And you don’t know the cost
Of the oil in my alabaster box

Years I wandered lost - satan telling me that God COULDN’T love a sinner like me. So the highlighted and bolded words above bring such emotion to me because God never gave up on me.

There is  a person in my life I would love to impart that love of God to. I cannot make that person see it and I am so worried about the choices they are making. My heart is hurting for them and yet again Satan steps in and tells me that had I found God sooner perhaps this person would not be making such scary decisions or tempting permanent damage. I want to save them the pain. Save them the heartache of trying to do it on their own - not trusting the One who can take all the pain away. and yet God is asking me to cling to Him, rest in Him, call on Him and trust in Him. It is pretty hard to do so soon after relocating Him - but at this point it is all I can do because my beloved friend pulls harder away from Him when I try to use my speak and my language.

No matter what God is still God and I need to let Him be in control.

Peace

One of my favorite childhood desserts was a recipe made only for special occasions by my mom. She would always make 2 of these desserts one with almonds and one without. I would love to share this easy and delicious recipe with you.

Hershey Bar Pie

1 8oz container of cool whip

2 large Hershey bars (1 large used to do it, but they have shrunk through the years)

1 graham cracker crust (oreo is okay too for more chocolatey goodness)

In a double boiler, melt 1 and 1/3 large hershey bars.

remove from heat and fold in 2/3 container of cool whip.

pour in crust

chill.

after set, “ice” with the remaining cool whip and garnish with shavings from the unused candy bar. You could get fancy and put a dollop of cool whip on each slice and a square from the remaining chocolate.

This is always a huge hit and especially tasty in the summer time.

Thanks mom!!

Peace

My husband has a friend who owns several web domains. They are primarily for travel and tourism. Recently a dialogue was opened about us writing little travelogues about our area and taking photos to be posted on these sites.  In an exchange today he said “no dead sticks” and went on to request that photography wait until the world greens up a little. As he put it “dead sticks for trees and brown for grass is not the most appealing”.

 I got to thinking about how I have been a dead stick at least externally going on close to 7 years. I think we all have our phases where we are fallow and while life may be coursing along under the surface, all outward appearances would reveal no evidence of life in us. It has been quite cyclical for me - the less I feel I have to offer, the less I feel I have to offer.

Through a process of tremendous pruning lately, I believe I actually may start to bloom this season. As to what this will look like, only time will tell - but dead sticks are not very appealing in the kingdom and while removing what is not useful is uncomfortable and at times painful - it is necessary for bearing fruit. I so much want to finally bear fruit.

 Peace

This past fall, my church hosted a community outreach night where we held a showing of the film Facing the Giants. Many children and grownups attended and I came out as well. I had heard that it was about a football team defying major odds. Little did I know there was also another underlying theme in the film that I was not aware of or mentally prepared for - infertility. Much of the night was spent dabbing my eyes with an incredible ache rising from the depths of my soul.

I have wanted to be a mommy forever it seems. Many broken roads have led me to this place where I am coming to grips with the fact that I will probably never conceive or give birth. Detours and straying from God’s will brought me into a new marriage at the age of 30 to a man who had “completed” his family prior to the unforseen dissolution of it. He and I spent the first 3 or 4 years enduring procedures - he a major one and I many tests - many ups and many downs - hopes raised then dashed. Doors were cracked but not slammed shut and early on an irregular cycle and many hundreds of dollars spent on HPTs looking for that second blue line in desperation left me emotionally spent, deeply hurt, and feeling like God had forgotten me. We are on the blessed road to adoption right now - it being filled with its own set of twists and turns and there is great peace and joy in my heart knowing that  I may indeed realize my dream of motherhood. But it, too, is filled with moments of uncertainty like will our country of choice close its doors to international adoption.

While on this alternate road to motherhood, the pain of infertility still endures at times - though it is more a dull ache. It is a death of sorts. God designed my body to conceive, bear a child and provide nourishment but my body just does not want to cooperate. I have found myself sitting in rooms full of people looking for anyone who has not had a child, analyzing that each one in the room IS someone’s child, but that I am not part of that world. There are other shades and nuances in my story which belong to someone else - but sometimes I wonder why certain people have been given children, the blessing from God, and why I was overlooked. One thing I have learned in the field of special ed is that fair does not always mean equal. We serve a just and loving God but He does not entrust each one of us with the same exact journey. I miss my child - I miss the dream of my baby - I miss rocking him and feeding him and singing him lullabies and he never existed.

Infertility is one of the Giants I have had to face in my life. One of the giants I continually have to throw stones at so it does not obstruct the view of my savior. Infertility left me feeling deemed unworthy by God to be a mom and if I am unworthy to be a mom then  I must just be unworthy. I hid from God because I knew He couldn’t possibly love me. Of all the Giants in my life, infertility has been the one leaving me feeling isolated and unwanted by God - like not being picked for a team.

At a critical point in the movie, it is asked “If the Lord never gives us children will you still love Him?” What a scary and difficult question - it shouldn’t be but I spent some time on that one.

I will still love Him if there is no 11th hour pardon to my infertility.

I will still love Him if a glitch happens in the adoption process and I cannot bring home my baby.

I will still love Him if R who is much like a daughter to me, walks away from me and doesn’t look back.

He has shown His grace, His mercy and His love to me.

He has been so patient with my tantrums and pains.

I will still love Him and praise him.

Peace

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. John 8:32

I am the way, the truth, and the life.  John 14:6

and then in a search for the word truth in the Bible, I met with page after page of references where Jesus began his sentences with “I tell you the truth” - NIV.

Tonight is the premiere of a new game show on Fox called “The Moment of Truth“. The promos are very unsettling to me. Contestants have been given a polygraph prior to the show. They are then called upon to answer 21 questions in front of family, friends and coworkers. If they make it through the 21 questions, they get to take home a prize of $500,000. But at what cost? These questions aren’t things like “do you like pizza?”. They are more akin to “Do you think your marriage will last another 5 years?” The producers say they are not out to destroy anyone but think the show will “rock america”. An air of sadness washes over me as I have seen the commercials. It truly leaves me asking “What IS this world coming to?”

Jesus spoke truth to teach and build - this truth on the show leads down a slippery slope of destruction of mind, soul and spirit. I want my stepchild to know evil is in the world, but I don’t want her to become numb to the concept of cheating on spouses, internet porn, lying or cheating to get ahead. I don’t want to be subject to those thoughts either. It is time to say no to these outside influences. It is time for me to take a stand for my family and say enough is enough. I support the entertainment industry way too much. I own the movies, have seen the shows, have listened to the music. It weakens my relationship with God as I choose to continue to pollute a temple for our pure and holy Jesus Christ. How do I resolve or justify worshipping the Lord with the same lips that talk about violent television shows or that sing along to codependent amoral lyrics? Am I weakening the kingdom by not being the best warrior for Jesus that i can be.

There is definitely a Moment of Truth today. To decide whether to stand with the world or to stand with my Lord. In an odd sort of way I am thankful that this show has reared its ugly head. The line has been crossed the line has been drawn and I think I have finally found my voice.

Truth - what is truth - I love the lyrics of the Casting Crowns song -

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
“Boy you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

This is the truth I am interested in.

   
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

Peace

We are a little over two weeks into the new year and Christmas seems like eons ago. I am a weight watcher - lower case and capital. I count points. For those of you unfamiliar with the program. It is simple, it works, and one track of it is based on points values assigned to all foods. These points are derived from a complicated “secret” formula which somehow relates the fat grams, fiber grams and calories of any given food. The higher the fiber and lower the fat, the less points any given food item will have. Beans - good, chocolate bars - not so much. BUT you can still have the chocolate bar. It will just take a larger chunk out of your daily points.

I have been doing Weight Watchers since August 1, 2006 this time around. I was on fire for the first 11 months. I lost 60 pounds during that time. I busted my knee this summer in a massive way, stopped exercising and had a major pity party which lasted until 12/31. I would take 1 step forward, 2 back - 2 forward, 1 back. Then in November in December I became the most apathetic person I know, shoving food in  until it hurt.

I gained 12 pounds for a total of 17 gained back. I knew I had to do something. Somewhere around the time that I really started feeling and owning God’s love and mercy for me, I realized something I had given lip service to so readily when the going was easy. This is a journey. Weight loss is a journey of one good habit built upon another. There is no finish line, no end, no TA DA moment. This journey is parallel to most of life’s journey. We walk, we run, we fall, we get up……or we don’t. So much of my life has been about falling down and curling up in fetal position, crying for my mama. I had to grow up. It is part of a perfectionist streak I have in me. If it can’t be perfect, why do it?

I am learning so much and this is where it is difficult to articulate my feelings. I will never be perfect. Never the perfect wife, daughter, cook, SLP, friend. This doesn’t mean to fall down and give up. God wants us to strive toward righteousness - in spite of our flaws, not because of our greatness. When I think about the fact that God can love a world full of such flawed people - to the degree when He would send His perfect, precious only son to try to save us and then to die for us I am overcome.

As for resolutions - my weight loss journey is back on track now. I am down 6 pounds. I will fall again. I will fall in my marriage. I will fall with R. I will fall. But an ancient proverb says “fall seven times, get up eight”. I will keep striving to allow God to change me into the person he wants me to be and not be content where I am for the fact that I cannot come close to perfection “so why bother?”

It is not in the number of pounds that we lose, the cessation bad habits, or the freshly made bed every morning that we succeed in our resolutions….

wordnet.princeton.edu defines resolute as firm in purpose or belief; characterized by firmness and determination;

It is all about the purpose and determination - resolutions are about the striving not the flawlessness.

I challenge everyone to be resolute today about that which is important to you.

Peace